Copyright 2007 T. Sheil & A. Sheil All Rights Reserved
The last year has seen several Hollywood celebrities make a big splash over adoptions. In one case, a singer took in an African baby. In another, an actor and actress adopted several children from places like Vietnam and Africa. One sitcom, “King of Queens,” ended its run with the couple going to China to get a baby.
A few years ago, there was even a model railroad magazine that had a sidebar article about a couple who adopted from China. One of the editorial staff was a self-righteous do-gooder minister. At that time, China was one of the most popular places from which to adopt a child. The others were mainly in Eastern Europe.
You have to imagine that Eastern European and Chinese orphanages are not very nice places. Those countries are impoverished and have only recently been introduced to the idea of “human rights.” Certainly, almost anything would be better for those children. However, how much better? For example, Communism was a marked improvement for Russians, who had suffered horribly at the hands of the Czars. By our standards, Communism was still oppressive. Likewise, being out of the orphanage may be better, but living with unfit parents might be nothing more than a lesser horror.
Why do people go overseas to adopt? In most cases, it is because they cannot adopt in a civilized country. In others, it is because they are impatient and want a child right away. Does that sound fit to you?
Ever wonder if what these people really want is a talking pet person? It is easier to get a foreign child than to buy a chimpanzee. These days, a chimpanzee costs more and is harder to get. So off they go, in search of something cute and cuddly. Take the Chinese babies, for instance. At that young age, they are as cute as teddy bears. Dress them up in snowsuits and they look as cute as Winnie the Pooh. I bet there are folks who think that is better than having a talking chimpanzee.
The problem is that these are NOT teddy bears. These are infant human beings who come with their own feelings, needs and personalities. They are not something to show off. This is not playing house. It is a real baby human being, If these “parents” think he is going to be their showpiece, they have another thing coming. The child is going to be himself. He is a child, not a performer.
Unfortunately, many adopted children are treated like pets. Many times, people went through he process because of lower motives. Take women who want children so they can fit in better with relatives and friends. Then there are those who adopt to show off. They want a little trophy child who can make them look good around the neighborhood. “My little Joey won the trophy in his kindergarten class! Whoopee!” There are even those who adopted a child, thinking it would fix problems in their marriage. These adults would likely protest if told they had such motives, having convinced themselves that their motives are altruistic. It takes psychological screening to find them out. However, in the days before screening, this was all too common.
Think about it: what happens when the child does not help the parent fit in? What if the relatives never entirely accept the adopted child?
What if the adoptive child cannot make the parent look good? What if little Joey cannot win awards or make the honor roll? What if he is just a good child with no extraordinary talents?
What if a child’s presence cannot fix a marriage? And what if his presence actually makes things worse?
What happens when an adoptive parent expects the child to do things out of gratitude, but the child has no concept of owing anything?
If people with such small motives are adoptive parents, would it not seem reasonable that their response to disappointment would be equally petty?
Indeed, the sad fact is that these people can not only resent the child, but behave accordingly. It may go from name calling and suppressed hostility to actual abuse. Take the case of a little boy whose resentful adoptive father treated him as the shame of the family. In one drunken episode, he abused the boy for being “a disgrace to the family” followed by slamming his head into a concrete step. The boy escaped and ran to the mother, who stood looking more annoyed than anything else. Annoyed? The average adult, on seeing a terrified child, would want to make the little one feel safe, even if he were a stranger. When adoptive parents resent a child, normal human decency takes a hike.
Imagine how if feels for a child to come home everyday to a place where he is resented and hated, for things that are not his fault. Think of the child who lives in a family where he is the scapegoat. How about the one who does everything to please his parents, only to be rebuffed cruelly at every try. That is what faces children whose adoptive parents had the wrong motives.
I ran into this a lot when I did counseling work. I think the parents get so set in this kind of behavior that they lose sight of how wrong it is. Even if they were shown the extent of their wrongfulness, I doubt half fo them would have what it takes to stop. These patterns become ingrained. In the end, a good intention has become a grief maker, and good people become abusive trolls.
This is not to say that all adoptions go bad. Most work out just fine. In the cases where they go wrong, however, it could have been prevented.
If you choose to adopt, please allow yourself to be screened. You want to uncover any hidden motives and deal with them before you proceed any further. If there is no problem all the better for you. If there is a problem, you can address it before anyone gets hurt. Sometimes the problem can be fixed before you adopt. Sometimes, it cannot be fixed, in which case you might not want to adopt.
If you are the child of an adoptive family and are having problems, make sure you tell your helpers of your origins. Because so many adopted children have problems, those trained to help know what to do for you. They have seen it before and know what works to help you.
