Copyright 2007 T. Sheil & A. Sheil All Rights Reserved
The Cure for Loneliness?
Many years ago, I made an interesting discovery about loneliness. For 90% of the people who claimed to be lonely, there was one simple cause. It is that simple. One thing causes most loneliness.
The reason most people are lonely is because they make themselves unlovable.
Loneliness is a self-inflicted problem.
There is an old joke about psychiatrists giving advice. A psychiatrist says that he gets paid $100 an hour to tell people: “If what you are doing is causing you problems, then stop doing it.” Joke or not, that piece of advice applies to most cases of loneliness. If people abandoned the unlovely behavior, they would end their loneliness.
Of course, most of them will not do that. They excuse their behavior in many ways, refusing to deal with it. And so they continue to be lonely. That does not change the fact that when people stop being unlovely, they soon stop being lonely.
If you do not want to be lonely ,then you need to change. While we do not have the room to diagnose every kind of unlovely behavior, we can begin with a few generalities.
1) Cleanliness. If you are prone to being sloppy and dirty, people will generally shy away. Most folks do not like grimy people. Rare are the ones who would tolerate stink. If you think it is cool or “natural” to avoid hygiene, then be ready to stink in solitude. The cure begins when you shake hands with a bar of soap on a regular basis. Extend that to making a regular visit to the laundromat. While you are at it, spend a little time each week cleaning up your home. Empty the trash. Don’t be like the piddle-head who let his pizza boxes stack up to the ceiling. Cleanliness is a welcome mat, and stinkiness is a people repellent.
2) Clean up your conversation. A little profanity goes a long way. More than a little is too much. If you are the local potty-mouth, then start putting the breaks to the profanity. We all use it, but there are limits. Too much foul talk tends to make people uncomfortable.
Lewd and crude references are equally discomforting. We are not prudes, but we do not have to sound like a porn shop manager. Leave the risque stuff for the appropriate place. Be aware of how your conversation affect others. Lascivious chatter is more likely to offend the opposite sex than attract them.
Improve your conversation and you make yourself more appealing. A person who speaks well rarely stays lonely for long.
3) Behave with Dignity. If you pay attention, you will see that some individuals have an air of dignity. They are people who give and get respect. In fact, they usually live pretty well. That kind of dignity takes time to develop, but you can start easily enough. Start using good manners in dealing with others. It begins with adding “please” and “thank you” to your everyday vocabulary. Throw in some table manners and general courtesy, and you find people react to you differently. The plant truth is that people respond to respect, and feel inclined to reply in kind. Courtesy is recognized as the behavior of a dignified person.
On the other hand, people do not like rudeness. Unmannerly, thoughtless behavior is viewed as piggishness. How many people do you know who would like to hang around with pigs?
A little dose of manners goes a long way to curing a piggy personality. Remember that courtesy attracts people, but rudeness repels them.
4) Open your ears and shut your mouth. If there is one trick to good conversation, it is in being a good listener. Give the other person a chance to speak. You would be surprised how much listening helps. Everyone can talk. Develop the art of listening.
5) Do not obsess. Folks who are fixated on a single topic, to the detriment of all others, get the reputation of being cranks. You may have a subject that sets you into high gear. Do you realize that others may not share your ardor? Once they have heard your views on it, they do not need to hear it again. Obsessive conversation tends to dissuade people from seeking your company. Rest assured that the subject which sets you off is far less important to others. Get off the soap box and spare folks the speech. Otherwise, you’ll give yourself many a solitary moment
6) Do not inflict your pets, kids or relatives on others. There was an old joke that went “Love me, love my dog.” Maybe folks will like your dog, but they have their limits. Your pets are your pets, your kids are your kids, and being in your company should not require taking a backseat to putting up with your menagerie. If you expect people to tolerate misbehaving pets and bratty children, you can expect to be avoided. Make your pets and children behave when company arrives. The people are there to see you, not them.
We have looked at six ways that people make themselves unlovable. There are more, but these lead the pack. By reducing unlovability and increasing your appeal, you will attract the kind of company that is good for you. The solution to loneliness is often a matter of developing a lovable demeanor. As you do so, you will find more people wanting to spend their time with you.
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I have known people who tried using personal ads to make friends. More often than not, the new “friend” turned out to be a creep. You have to ask yourself: what kind of person scans the personals, and for what is he or she looking? Take the case of one woman. She got emails in response to such an ad. Some seemed nice, and some were not. She decided to talk with the nice ones on the phone. Some were still nice, some were creepy. She decided to meet the nice ones. They may have been able to act decently in mail and on the phone, but could not sustain the facade in person. Each an every one turned out to be a creep. Others who tried using personal ads told similar tales.
There are better places to meet people. Avoid the creep gallery. As you improve yourself, you improve your ability to attract better people.
