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There was a group of single mothers who were on welfare. They had been on welfare for quite a while. Most had grown up in homes where a single mother was on welfare. In their region, the county welfare system handled families with children, while city welfare handled single adults.
None of these women worked. They liked to say they were ‘stay at home mommies' so they could "care better for the children." Of course, the children were in school most of the day. This loose-knit group would share babysitting and occasionally help each other by lending things. They seemed benign, but that could be misleading. For instance, these women enjoyed drinking and an occasional drug high. Though most were not full blown alcoholic, the potential was there.
Welfare paid just enough for rent and necessities. How did they make up the difference? Each one had someone they claimed as a "boyfriend". The boyfriend was a fellow making an average salary. Most of the boyfriends were single, but one or two were married to other women. The boyfriend would come around about once a week. He might bring cheap toys for the children from the dollar discount store. The boyfriend would take mother and children out for dinner. On rare occasion it might be a diner. More often than not, the eatery of choice was a fast food joint, sandwich shop or small pizzeria. The evening ended with the boyfriend sleeping with the woman. Sometimes the boyfriend would provide alcohol or drugs, and both would get high. At the end of it, he gave her a little money to "tide things over." (In the 1980s, as I remember, they would give anything from $20 to $50.)
When asked how they felt about their boyfriends, the women said things like, "Well, he’s a nice guy."
"He’s nice to the kids."
"He helps us out."
"He’s a really good person."
When asked if they loved him, the replies vary,
"I guess, in a way."
"Well, I care for him. I mean, I like him."
"Sort of, but I am not IN love with him."
Asked if they would marry him, the answers are more direct.
"No. He’s a nice guy, but I wouldn’t marry him."
"I love him, but not that way."
"No. Oh, no. He’s a nice guy and I care, but not to marry him. Oh, no."
Here is the part that grates. These women made no attempt to hide their relationship from the children. The young ones are usually right in the next room when all this happens. Despite the mothers’ claims that the children were too young to understand, it is all too obvious that he children know more than their parent thinks. Eerily enough, they come to think that their mother’s type of relationship with the boyfriend is normal. They get the impression that it is an acceptable arrangement.
By chance, I knew who a couple of these "boyfriends" were. Talking with them it was obvious that their involvement was for one thing: sex. They gave the woman a cheap night out, then had a cheap night in. None of these fellows was especially prosperous. All they wanted was cheap sex without getting attached.
The welfare mommies had no desire to leave the welfare system. They wanted to continue their indolent lifestyles. It was a recurring cycle of need for them and their children. Even the boyfriend’s "gifts" did little to improve things.
An odd things is how these women claimed to put motherhood first.
The difference is the woman who, in similar circumstances, chooses earning rather than life in the welfare system. In every case I had seen, the working woman did far better than the welfare mothers. This held true even if the salary she earned was quite low. Notably absent was the "boyfriend." If there were a relationship for the working mother, it was much more normal. No fast food dinner and twenty dollars! Even if they started on the lowest end of the prosperity scale, the working women eventually passed the economic level of the welfare women.
The important thing here is how the earning women lived, as opposed to the welfare women. The earning women lived better. Even if they started out poor, they eventually made their way to better housing and better neighborhoods. Those who were dating had normal reasons for their choices in men. Sleazy sleep-overs were not part of the equation.
The difference? One notable thing is a set of standards. The welfare women had lower standards for themselves. The earning women had higher standards.
Contrast welfare mothers to single folks on welfare. I had to escort people to the city welfare office on a few occasions. The behavior of the folks in that place was unbelievable. Along with an attitude that said, "I better get mine!", there was the rudest behavior toward staff. Overheard conversations were equally startling. They included information such as which liquor stores cashed welfare checks, who had the best prices on street drugs, and what things were like at the county jail. When we went to the office to talk with a case worker, four people marched past the desk demanding "meal tickets." They arrogantly demanded that welfare buy them lunch, since they were taking too long to deal with them.
The case worker conversed with me, obviously relieved to deal with someone who was not a welfare client. I asked if such arrogance was normal, and she replied that it was rampant.
The sad thing was that these people were getting very little. The city system paid $140 for a month in the late 1980s. They might include food stamps, but not room and board. Individuals were given an appointment at a homeless shelter.
Most of the welfare folks would spend their money in a few days. They were habitual clients of the system. In feeling entitled to get money from the government, they did not seem to care that the could make more by earning their way.
There is a side story to all this. On one occasion at city welfare, I noticed a man about my age who seemed out of place. He stood out because he obviously did not belong with the buffoons and characters. I knew he was not a welfare client. I met him months later. He told me he had noticed that I did not belong there, too. It turns out we were both escorting someone to welfare. He was working a job similar to mine.
The welfare stories are typical. Welfare systems create a dependency which can be hard to break. Often, the system, is rigged so that people who take up employment will lose some necessary benefits. Nonetheless, a life of prosperity demands breaking out of the system. Along with developing the prosperity thought, you have to eliminate the welfare thinking.
Here are a few tips for changing your thinking:
1) Change your associations. Mindsets are contagious. Spend less time with your welfare buddies until you spend no time with them at all. Spend time with prosperous people. Place yourself around people who live the way you want to live, and have what you want. Remember this: folks who are on welfare cannot help you escape it. They can only tell you how to live in the system a little more comfortably..
2) Remember that when it comes to entitlement, you are only entitled to what they give. Get used to thinking that you can make more by earning. Prepare yourself to earn.
3) Set your standards. Even if you had lowered them, you can raise them now. Be definite about the things you will not do. If any of your former associates have as problem with it, ignore them. Likewise, if you have children, make it a point that from this time forward, you will set the best example for them. (For instance, this would be a good time to get rid of the "welfare boyfriend.")
4) Use available help. Take advantage of job training programs to increase your employability. If the government or other agencies offer the help you need, use it. Anything that makes yo ua more likely prospect for work is a bonus.
5) Take a stand. Make a definite step in the direction of Prosperity. Actions count, and a bold act can help get you started. While it may not be feasible for you to quit welfare right away, but it is possible to make a start on your future well-being. Do it and do it now!
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Part of my introduction to the welfare mothers turned out rather unnerving. One of them had been someone I known many years previously. She invited me to haev a cup of coffee and catch up on things. While there, her children came home from school.
What happened next was unsettling. The children hit her with a barrage of questions.
"Is this your new boyfriend, Mommy?"
"Did he bring us toys?"
"Is he going to stay over tonight?"
The woman had a hard time explaining to them that my presence was professional, not personal.
It is hard enough seeing people live that way, but it is worse when it is someone you knew.
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